Friday, 9 December 2011

My Awesome Photo - Capturing a Moment

I had just recieved my DSLR Camera for Christmas and managed to take this shot (pure fluke) at the begining of January.  I adore this photo, because even though it isnt perfect, it really captures her essence and every time i see it, it makes me melt.  It is extra special because it is one of only a few photos of her in her first year where she is not wearing her epilepsy helmet.  I dont have that many pictures of Pudding Pop any camera/video equipment in her first year was used purely to capture footage of her fits and now she is that bit older she has decided that she would much prefer to be behind the camera than in front of it.

To check out other awesome photos head over too Sticky Fingers The Gallery

Saturday, 24 September 2011

How I am feeling...

I am trapped in the back of my own mind. A tiny dark cell, from which I can peer forward and see through the eyes of my soulless body at the life I ‘live’. Though live is much too strong a word, exist would be more appropriate. This body goes through the motions, a hollow shell moving aimlessly from task to task pretending to feel, pretending to care. The darkness encompasses me, no one knows, no one can understand the black radiating pit of numbness and nothingness. As it grows bigger I forget me more. I can’t find my way out and the longer it lasts the desire to fight, the will to try is dampened and slowly lost.

I am a robot, I say mostly the right things at almost the right time. People mostly don’t notice the delay, or how quickly a smile fades as soon as their face turns. Vacant expression is attributed to tiredness, how quickly people assume when they don’t like, or want to deal with the truth.

My life is lived in pain, both physical pain and mental anguish. How is it when all else fades, pain can still remain. Yet I am numb to it, yes it hurts to do even the smallest task but the numbness has swallowed my caring. What is the point in taking anything to relieve the pain, it never completely goes and it always comes back as strong as ever. It is an unwinable battle and I have not the strength to fight it. Yet sometimes I long for more pain, it lets me know I am not yet dead to the world, that I can still feel something.

I am a failure to my family, I cannot do for them what I should, cannot be who I should and who they need me to be. They would be better without me, this is no life for them and I am already not the wife and mother they know. The person they truly want and need is no-longer here and I cannot find her for them. But I am not strong enough to walk away, and so I fail them regardless of what I do.

I am forgetting how to feel, how to be me. I am lost, with no discernable way out.

Tuesday, 30 August 2011


I was doing some reading last night on the history and purpose of bras and was honestly quite surprised at what I found out.

My introduction into the world of bra wearing was probably pretty normal.  I began to develop and my mum took me shopping (to BHS ) and bought me my first 2 bras.  They were more crop tops than bras and at size 32 AA offered no real support.  To me and probably my mum it was just what you did once you began to grow breasts.

After reading last night I discovered that bras are a CHOICE not a necessity.  Maybe to the much larger breasted woman they offer some welcome support, but on the whole they do nothing but force our breasts into what we deem is the most desirable shape for the duration we wear it.

Studies into bra wearing and cancer have also shown that women who wear a bra for 24 hours a day and at a significantly higher risk of developing breast cancer, with underwired bras being the main culprits.  As I understand it any toxins or chemicals we ingest are stored in our body fat tissue, breasts have a large amount of such tissue surrounding the milk ducts etc, the natural bounce and wiggle of breasts aids the lymph nodes in ridding the body of such toxins, wearing a bra that is too tight or cuts in reduces wiggle and bounce rendering the body unable to rid itself of these toxins as effectively, build up of toxins can cause cancer.  So the bras themselves don't cause cancer but they can be the catalyst for it.

To be honest I'm not sure I want to wear something that could end up causing me to have cancer.  I make decisions not to do other things (such as smoking) for many reasons one of which is that it can cause Cancer so why should I continue to wear something that could give me something I would go to great lengths to avoid.

Firstly I thought about my reasons for wearing a bra which consisted of -:

1. I do like my breasts to point forwards rather than towards my toes.
2. I don't like my nipples being visible through my clothing.
3. I'm not keen on how much they bounce when I run or jump ( because we all know how much I do that) as it can become uncomfortable.
4. It keeps my nipples warm as I suffer from Reynaud's of the nipple.
5. I feel it is socially unacceptable to go without a bra.

Thinking about all of these things I have decided to go for plain cotton non underwired bra, for when I am going out or doing exercise or generally feel uncomfortable doing without.  The rest of the time I am leaning towards a cami style vest for warmth and the nipple visibility issue.

With regards to number 1. I am hoping that as my body adjusts to doing without the support it has grown used too the muscles/ligaments that support the breasts will get stronger and they will start to point forwards again.  I am also hoping that it will encourage me to stand up straight more at this will also help with the directionality issue.

I'll keep you posted on how I go.

Monday, 22 August 2011

Pick up your litter, other people do

While i think i agree with the message this is conveying I just wasn't quite sure it's placement on the motorway was targeting the correct audience at the most opportune of moments.

Though to be honest I'm not completely sure what it is it is saying. Is it saying I should pick up my litter because other people pick up my litter? Thats not really conveying a good message as it would imply that it doesn't really matter whether I do it or not as someone else will always come along and clean up after me. Or is it saying that I should pick up my litter because other people pick up their own? This is a better message but is promoting a 'sheep' mentality that just because everyone else is doing it we should do it too, which I venomously appose. Why should I do something just because everyone else does it?

Surely a much better message would be 'pick up your litter, it's the right thing to do?' or is that to preachy for today's British citizens? Also whoever is placing these signs should consider their target audience, I personally don't see many litteres on the motorway. Maybe it would be better to stick to the more conventional 'speed kills' as it seems a little more relevent.

Tuesday, 16 August 2011

I'm Back

After a considerably long break I am back.  These past few months have been very confusing time for me and I had to do a lot of soul searching and thinking about me reasons for why I was doing this.  It has taken me a long time to decide, but I came to the conclusion that yes I do want to continue with this blog.  The postings might not be everyday but I am going to try to make them fairly regular and hopefully that will help me stick to subjects I actually want to talk about rather than filling it with random ramblings of mediocre interest.  I want this blog to actually mean something to me so that I actually want to continue with it rather than resenting it because I am struggling to find anything of interest to talk about every day.

Thursday, 13 January 2011

Computer troubles

Been having some computer troubles recently.  As in mine up and died on me.  Normal service will resume shortly hopefully.

Wednesday, 5 January 2011


I've not been sleeping so great for the past week or so, you know how it is.  Your exhausted but when you actually get into bed you can't drop off and end up staring at the ceiling for hours thinking of better things you could be doing with your time.

Last night this was made worse by quite possibly the worst nightmare i have ever had.  When i awoke from it i sobbed for a good hour, and anytime i have thought about it today it has set me off crying again.  I warn anyone who is sensitive to use their judgement as to whether they wish to read the content of the dream.  I know if it were someone elses i wouldn't want to read about it.

I dreamt that Munch had been naughty doing some trival toddler thing and had to be punished by the people without trial.  She was behind a barrier and i wasn't aloud to get to her.  They were planning on using like a dunking chair on her (so she would be sat about 8 foot in the air on a chair and when a lever was pushed it would tip, dropping her into a very deep vat of icy water)  if she survived that it would be proof of her crime and she would then be beheaded.  I could see all the equipment laid out in like an assembly line in the room behind the barrier, but she was being held in like an ante room at that point.  I remember rushing to the cafe in the next room and argueing with the staff to let me use their phone, when they finally agreed i called a lawyer who was telling me that she shouldn't be punished witout a fair trial.  At this point i was screaming at my hubby to go and tell them to not go through with it as the lawyer was demanding a trial.  I was still on the phone when he came back and i asked where Munch was now.  He replied that she was about to be dunked, i started screaming at him telling him he was supposed to be stopping them, but he said that they wouldn't behead her but he didn't see anything wrong with dunking.  Hubbys mum who had appeared next to me was saying she'll be fine she can swim can't she? I started screaming and trying to get to the room while people were trying to restrain me while yelling 'STOP, she has to have a trial, she can't swim she will drown.' All the while terrified that she would either drown or they would go ahead and behead her anyway.

It's still upsetting me now, i'm just hoping it will fade with time.  As it is i'm scared of going to sleep tonight incase i have another one.  Normally i'm not one for nightmares but i just want a completely dreamless sleep tonight.

Sunday, 2 January 2011

Got a friend coming over tonight

I've not really seen her for a while and the last time i did i had a killer migraine so not much fun was had.  It will be good as she is coming here with her new partner and it will be nice to see her and get to know him before the big day later this month.

I'm trying to get as much quatlity time in as possible as she is moving back to the US after they are married and i haven't seen her much since we moved away from the Isle of Man almost 3 years ago.

Also today we went for a nice walk around Fairhaven Lake.  It was getting dark and cold by the time we were ready to come home but it was nice to get out the house for a bit and into the fresh air.  I would post pictures but for some reason it won't let me.

I know i have been making very short posts recently, by the time i get chance to sit down in the evening i'm so knackered i can't think straight to write anything of any lenght coherantly.  Your all in for a treat though as i have a big post brewing about people not respecting me, my opinions and the way i wish to raise my kids.  Bet you can't wait.

Saturday, 1 January 2011

Almost had an orgasm at the petrol station

when i pulled in behind this beauty.

Good job hubby was with me to pump the fuel as i was way to busy drooling.

Conversations with toddlers

Midnight the other night as i was nipping to the loo Munch sat bolt upright in bed and we ended up having this conversation.

Munch - Mummy whats that noise?
Mummy - It's the boiler.
Munch - Whats the boiler mummy?
Mummy - It lives in that cupboard and it makes our water hot for washing our hands, having baths, doing dishes, and making the raidiators hot to keep us warm.
Munch - Hows it work mummy?

at which point i was like WTF :ermm: really wasn't expecting to try and explain electronics and plubing to my toddler especilly in the middle of the night. But i gave it my best shot..

Mummy - Well the cold water comes into the boiler by a pipe and a little flame makes it nice and hot and then it goes out by another pipe.

as i am saying this i am realiseing this doesn't make much sence, how can that little piolet light flame heat ALL out hot water. Unfortunatly Munch seems to have picked up on this too...

Munch - Never mind mummy, i ask Grandad. Grandad knows.
well she asked Grandad last night, and he said it's like a big kettle. To which Munch responded, no grandad kettle in there! (points to kitchen) How BOILER work (points upstairs). My dad explained to her (and me) the best he could.  I understand a bit better not sure how much of it she actually took in but she seemed happy enough and didn't ask anymore questions.

Happy New Year

Happy New Year to everyone and i hope 2011 brings you much joy and happiness.