Saturday, 24 September 2011

How I am feeling...

I am trapped in the back of my own mind. A tiny dark cell, from which I can peer forward and see through the eyes of my soulless body at the life I ‘live’. Though live is much too strong a word, exist would be more appropriate. This body goes through the motions, a hollow shell moving aimlessly from task to task pretending to feel, pretending to care. The darkness encompasses me, no one knows, no one can understand the black radiating pit of numbness and nothingness. As it grows bigger I forget me more. I can’t find my way out and the longer it lasts the desire to fight, the will to try is dampened and slowly lost.

I am a robot, I say mostly the right things at almost the right time. People mostly don’t notice the delay, or how quickly a smile fades as soon as their face turns. Vacant expression is attributed to tiredness, how quickly people assume when they don’t like, or want to deal with the truth.

My life is lived in pain, both physical pain and mental anguish. How is it when all else fades, pain can still remain. Yet I am numb to it, yes it hurts to do even the smallest task but the numbness has swallowed my caring. What is the point in taking anything to relieve the pain, it never completely goes and it always comes back as strong as ever. It is an unwinable battle and I have not the strength to fight it. Yet sometimes I long for more pain, it lets me know I am not yet dead to the world, that I can still feel something.

I am a failure to my family, I cannot do for them what I should, cannot be who I should and who they need me to be. They would be better without me, this is no life for them and I am already not the wife and mother they know. The person they truly want and need is no-longer here and I cannot find her for them. But I am not strong enough to walk away, and so I fail them regardless of what I do.

I am forgetting how to feel, how to be me. I am lost, with no discernable way out.

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