Today is the day that our eldest, had we decided to send her to school, would have started. As we are homeschooling we decided to mark the beginning of this adventure together by going to a park for a picnic and afternoon of fun. The sense of excitement in the girls was palpable, and the day was made even more special to them as we made the journey by bus. We had a fantastic day and i can't wait to continue on this adventure together.
I had just recieved my DSLR Camera for Christmas and managed to take this shot (pure fluke) at the begining of January. I adore this photo, because even though it isnt perfect, it really captures her essence and every time i see it, it makes me melt. It is extra special because it is one of only a few photos of her in her first year where she is not wearing her epilepsy helmet. I dont have that many pictures of Pudding Pop any camera/video equipment in her first year was used purely to capture footage of her fits and now she is that bit older she has decided that she would much prefer to be behind the camera than in front of it.
I am trapped in the back of my own mind. A tiny dark cell, from which I can peer forward and see through the eyes of my soulless body at the life I ‘live’. Though live is much too strong a word, exist would be more appropriate. This body goes through the motions, a hollow shell moving aimlessly from task to task pretending to feel, pretending to care. The darkness encompasses me, no one knows, no one can understand the black radiating pit of numbness and nothingness. As it grows bigger I forget me more. I can’t find my way out and the longer it lasts the desire to fight, the will to try is dampened and slowly lost.
I am a robot, I say mostly the right things at almost the right time. People mostly don’t notice the delay, or how quickly a smile fades as soon as their face turns. Vacant expression is attributed to tiredness, how quickly people assume when they don’t like, or want to deal with the truth.
My life is lived in pain, both physical pain and mental anguish. How is it when all else fades, pain can still remain. Yet I am numb to it, yes it hurts to do even the smallest task but the numbness has swallowed my caring. What is the point in taking anything to relieve the pain, it never completely goes and it always comes back as strong as ever. It is an unwinable battle and I have not the strength to fight it. Yet sometimes I long for more pain, it lets me know I am not yet dead to the world, that I can still feel something.
I am a failure to my family, I cannot do for them what I should, cannot be who I should and who they need me to be. They would be better without me, this is no life for them and I am already not the wife and mother they know. The person they truly want and need is no-longer here and I cannot find her for them. But I am not strong enough to walk away, and so I fail them regardless of what I do.
I am forgetting how to feel, how to be me. I am lost, with no discernable way out.
I was doing some reading last night on the history and purpose of bras and was honestly quite surprised at what I found out.
My introduction into the world of bra wearing was probably pretty normal. I began to develop and my mum took me shopping (to BHS ) and bought me my first 2 bras. They were more crop tops than bras and at size 32 AA offered no real support. To me and probably my mum it was just what you did once you began to grow breasts.
After reading last night I discovered that bras are a CHOICE not a necessity. Maybe to the much larger breasted woman they offer some welcome support, but on the whole they do nothing but force our breasts into what we deem is the most desirable shape for the duration we wear it.
Studies into bra wearing and cancer have also shown that women who wear a bra for 24 hours a day and at a significantly higher risk of developing breast cancer, with underwired bras being the main culprits. As I understand it any toxins or chemicals we ingest are stored in our body fat tissue, breasts have a large amount of such tissue surrounding the milk ducts etc, the natural bounce and wiggle of breasts aids the lymph nodes in ridding the body of such toxins, wearing a bra that is too tight or cuts in reduces wiggle and bounce rendering the body unable to rid itself of these toxins as effectively, build up of toxins can cause cancer. So the bras themselves don't cause cancer but they can be the catalyst for it.
To be honest I'm not sure I want to wear something that could end up causing me to have cancer. I make decisions not to do other things (such as smoking) for many reasons one of which is that it can cause Cancer so why should I continue to wear something that could give me something I would go to great lengths to avoid.
Firstly I thought about my reasons for wearing a bra which consisted of -:
1. I do like my breasts to point forwards rather than towards my toes.
2. I don't like my nipples being visible through my clothing.
3. I'm not keen on how much they bounce when I run or jump ( because we all know how much I do that) as it can become uncomfortable.
4. It keeps my nipples warm as I suffer from Reynaud's of the nipple.
5. I feel it is socially unacceptable to go without a bra.
Thinking about all of these things I have decided to go for plain cotton non underwired bra, for when I am going out or doing exercise or generally feel uncomfortable doing without. The rest of the time I am leaning towards a cami style vest for warmth and the nipple visibility issue.
With regards to number 1. I am hoping that as my body adjusts to doing without the support it has grown used too the muscles/ligaments that support the breasts will get stronger and they will start to point forwards again. I am also hoping that it will encourage me to stand up straight more at this will also help with the directionality issue.
While i think i agree with the message this is conveying I just wasn't quite sure it's placement on the motorway was targeting the correct audience at the most opportune of moments.
Though to be honest I'm not completely sure what it is it is saying. Is it saying I should pick up my litter because other people pick up my litter? Thats not really conveying a good message as it would imply that it doesn't really matter whether I do it or not as someone else will always come along and clean up after me. Or is it saying that I should pick up my litter because other people pick up their own? This is a better message but is promoting a 'sheep' mentality that just because everyone else is doing it we should do it too, which I venomously appose. Why should I do something just because everyone else does it?
Surely a much better message would be 'pick up your litter, it's the right thing to do?' or is that to preachy for today's British citizens? Also whoever is placing these signs should consider their target audience, I personally don't see many litteres on the motorway. Maybe it would be better to stick to the more conventional 'speed kills' as it seems a little more relevent.
After a considerably long break I am back. These past few months have been very confusing time for me and I had to do a lot of soul searching and thinking about me reasons for why I was doing this. It has taken me a long time to decide, but I came to the conclusion that yes I do want to continue with this blog. The postings might not be everyday but I am going to try to make them fairly regular and hopefully that will help me stick to subjects I actually want to talk about rather than filling it with random ramblings of mediocre interest. I want this blog to actually mean something to me so that I actually want to continue with it rather than resenting it because I am struggling to find anything of interest to talk about every day.